Exclusively Revealed: Prince Charles’ remarkable “Black Spider” Letter.


Prince Charles’ remarkable letter on immigration, with his characteristic “airplane” folding pattern. (Click to Enlarge).

For many years our esteemed and beloved Prince Charles has been writing to politicians to impart his wisdom with respect to this or that aspect of life in our great country. Because of the style of the Prince’s handwriting, these have become known as his “Black Spider” letters and foolish politicians, jealous of their own role as servants of the public and operating under the entirely foolish belief that a man as obviously wise and as intelligent as Prince Charles should not comment upon the affairs of the state, have refused to release these letters to the press.

I can now lay bare the politicians arrogance and foolishness for, as you can see from the picture accompanying this article, one of the Prince’s letter has been “leaked” to me by a Patriotic and Brave Civil Servant. As one would have expected, it shows His Majesty to be a man with his finger on the pulse of contemporary society, in touch with the everyday issues affecting you ordinary folk and reveals him to be a man who is a master of the English language (to say his abilities in this sphere rival those of Shakespeare is no overstatement) and a man of quite incredible intellect, compassion and understanding. A man who will be a worthy King, a man of such strengths and force of personality that it begs the question “where now for democracy?”

Let me take you step by step through the Prince’s amazing letter for, as befits his high-order intellectual and linguistic abilities, it is written in language so rich in metaphor, allegory and parable that you, as one of the ordinary folk, will find it difficult to understand. However, do not worry, I am a journalist and as such I have the formidable investigative and critical faculties of my ilk. Furthermore I went to Public School and I have a BA (Hons) Eng Lit from Oxford. You can, then, rest assured that I amply qualified tell you what to believe.

First, I will identify the main theme of Charles’s letter. It is quite clearly the controversial subject of immigration. How do I know this? To someone with my skills and training it is perfectly obvious that the “mat” in the letter represents our green and pleasant Homeland. The “cat” is the immigrant, the physical act of the cat “sitting” on the mat is an incredibly clever metaphor for the actual action of people immigrating into our country. But now, in a twist that makes Shakespeare look like a first-time novelist, the Prince uses more complex metaphor and allegory, rolled out in rich linguistic layer upon layer of meaning, to illustrate another point. Remember, immigrants are represented by cats. And what are cats? Cats are cute and fluffy animals that everybody loves. Thus in one stunning, dialectic triumph of the English language the Prince reveals his intention: ordinary folk should not fear the immigrant, should not be distrustful of “the other”. Indeed, in his amazingly moving (yes, at this point your correspondent did indeed shed a tear) admonition to “Janet” to love “John” he reminds us that we (except for his Majesty, obviously) are all the same and that we should in fact embrace “the other” with open arms, that we should all love each other.

And, in one final and stunning literary flourish, Charles, in a nod to T.H White and Arthurian legend, signs off as the “future King,” reminding us in one haiku like soundbite, of the indispensability and continuity of the blessed institution of Monarchy.

Now that I have exclusively revealed the first of Prince Charles’ “Black Spider” letters and shown him to be not so much a man as a demi-God, I appeal to you, the ordinary folk, to rise up and demand of your politicians that they release ALL the Prince’s letters, for in these troubled times we need the wisdom of our Royal friend, protector and undoubted genius more than ever.


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